Deadlier Sins

Today I was thinking about sin. As in the seven deadly ones. I've decided that we will always have parts of each sin within us, but certain sins take over us more depending on what is going on around us. I feel so full of "sin" these days it scares me.

Gluttony

All last week I have been craving cupcakes. Bright, colorful, and deadly cupcakes. I spent a few hours on Saturday and made.... 50. No I did not eat them all if you were wondering. I've been giving them away left right and center, but I have been eating some. Why did I want to make them? Who the hell knows. All I know is that when I looked at them, you couldn't help but smile. I even took pictures. I have just lost a bunch of weight, the last thing I need is to gain it all back plus more.

That of course brings me to ...

Pride

I have been feeling pride creeping in the cracks of my fragile mind. Pride can be a good thing, can it not? I had this amazing critique last week, and that filled me with a swelling of pride like I had never felt ever before. Being validated in the one thing that I feel good doing with my life was amazing. But I have to keep honest, and humble too.

Lust

Surprisingly, the sin that I normally suffer from on a regular basis has left me for greener pastures. I am not feelin it at all. Being at school for 14 hours a day takes its toll, and my hands are used to working with tools and metal... not.. other things. I have no time, how very sad. You know when you have a crush, and it seems to move you? Throughout the day you keep smiling to yourself, and have your little day dreams about them. You fantasize that they corner you as you finish your shower with your towel around you, and back you back into the room with that coy little smile? Yeah okay, I'm not completely devoid of feeling below the waist... but I don't have that little smile, and I don't fantasize nearly as much as I used to. I enjoy having a crush, as gut wrenching as it can be. But he seems to be devoid of feeling above the waist - so I'm not feelin that as much either these days.

Greed

This is the scariest sin for me these days. I worry about my soul. I feel so greedy and full of ugly thoughts that I would never tell to anyone but a paid professional that is paid not to judge me. Having no money has made me the greediest son of a bitch I have ever had the pleasure to share a brain with. I hate money, but I want it. A lot of it. I feel like I am doing anything I can to save it, make it, and I hate myself for it. Who am I becoming?

Envy

I am envious of a lot of people, for a lot of reasons. People with relationships. People with money. People who don't care about money. Well let's just say it's a long list.

Anger

I am angry as hell at myself. I feel I have a lot less "happy thoughts" and a lot more "angry and frustrated thoughts". Maybe I should change the name.

Sloth

Since school ended I have slept in at least 10 hours a night. I have taken up xbox again, and I have spent entire days on the computer. I'm trying to start a bunch of projects right off the bat to keep me motivated so I don't fall into the lazy trap. I HAVE to start a job search ASAP. Why I am so goddamn lazy?


Before I felt like my personality was my only true saving grace. But I feel like I am becoming very dark inside, and it scares the shit out of me. I don't want to be DarkThawts, or EvilThawts. I don't want to be AngryThawts, or VindictiveThawts. I do want to be HappyThawts. How does one save yourself from the dark side, when the shadow looms over you, threatening to block out any trace of who you were before?

Cupcake anyone?
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