You know the best thing you can hear after a gut wrenching post such as the last one here is
"Okay, this is none of my business, but.... All right is spelled as TWO words."
And can I just say that musicians are fucking sexy? Especially the ones that write their own stuff, and have quick fingers?
I just wanted to have a nice thought on here, so you guys didn't think I was dead or something.
Cheers!
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Please, God, Let it be alright
I pray to you.
I am down on my knees, with eyes full of tears and a head full of hate, remorse, and fear.
I feel as if my soul is about to burst forth and beat upon my shaking body until all the life has fled from it.
Why is it that I am always being tested? I need to find solace in something. I need my mind to calm down long enough for my body to recover.
I always thought I needed someone who could help me, but in times like these, I realize that I can't look anyone in the eye long enough for that to even matter.
This is hell, and I see no end to this black tunnel that I am in.
I love so much, but deserve none. Any love I receive is like a stabbing pain in my chest, and that's why I want those that give me nothing in return. They are my penance.
Please, God, let it be alright - let me sleep tonight, and look at tomorrow in a new, hopeful light.
I pray to you God, let it be alright.
I am down on my knees, with eyes full of tears and a head full of hate, remorse, and fear.
I feel as if my soul is about to burst forth and beat upon my shaking body until all the life has fled from it.
Why is it that I am always being tested? I need to find solace in something. I need my mind to calm down long enough for my body to recover.
I always thought I needed someone who could help me, but in times like these, I realize that I can't look anyone in the eye long enough for that to even matter.
This is hell, and I see no end to this black tunnel that I am in.
I love so much, but deserve none. Any love I receive is like a stabbing pain in my chest, and that's why I want those that give me nothing in return. They are my penance.
Please, God, let it be alright - let me sleep tonight, and look at tomorrow in a new, hopeful light.
I pray to you God, let it be alright.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
The Aging Fag Hag and The Queers She Grew Up With
Not the most "PC" of titles, but it was how we used to roll...
It was my best friend Michael's 22nd ;) birthday last Saturday. He decided that he wanted to return to the gay bar again, to remember the good ol' days. I agreed to join him of course. I at one point I used to be the fag hag of 2004.
So we brought along Greg, Tessa, and Mike's friend Dan, who is also this cute lil gay man who is into jewelry and video games just like me! So we arrived, with me in my skanky top (those gay boys love the boobies), and I PAID to get into the bar. I guess when you are yesterday's fag-cessorie you are now required to give the door man your money versus a quick kiss on the cheek and pinch of the ass.
The music was the same. Top 40 mixed into the trance beats of the time. Dan and Greg did their best to get all of us drunk, but Tessa came half-cut already. Tessa also decided to pick me up a woman. Lord. I thought I didn't go to straight bars to avoid the whole "pick-up" thing, but come out to your friends and all they want to do is hook you up. So Tessa spent the evening checking out women with me, which was odd. I feel I can pick up my own ladies thank you, but she was having fun, and I didn't want to ruin her buzz.
The one thing that shocked me the most were the Drag Queens. Some of them I had spent many a drunk night with were there and I didn't recognize them until they approached me! Not because they were in drag, but because something had happened to them - age. The years of smoking had translated into pursed lips that betrayed the habit. The sunken eyes and nose revealed the many lines snorted before the many acts on stage. It actually saddened my heart to see those things change a person so much.
So I think to myself, if they have changed so much, have I as well?
Al the young twinks, old chicken hawks, bull dykes and lipstick lesbians were in attendance as well. But it was a whole new crowd. It seemed the gay population had decreased in the last 5 years. Are they breeding us out? Or have they all paired up like Mike and Greg, never to return to the "scene" again? Dan and I were commenting that the two same 60 year old men were still stalking the club, looking for young prey and perhaps they are why we don't see the little cute ones anymore. They are having the eternal circuit party in their basement.
We left the bar, and walked Tessa back to her apartment for safety. As we did we walked the same old walk I had done many a time. But all the landmarks had changed. The Royal liquor store beside the night club on 10th had been knocked down and turned into a high rise condo building. The Lebanese club on 1st where you would make fun of all the trashy girls fighting outside had been closed down. The bar I first had membership - Detour - was gone forever. Replaced with a fancy restaurant. When you used to walk by there at night there would be aging men in leather, young bucks in underwear, and all types of lesbians feeling each other up outside. Now when we walked by there was about 100 black gangster types just sitting outside. That was the most surreal experience of the night. I felt like my history was being erased, slowly but surely, and that it was a true sign that my life had changed.
I used to have 2 fake IDs. I had my first when I was 13, and I snuck into the gay bar and got super smashed on Killer Kolaids. Now it's 10 years later and I realize I have upgraded to pubs and bar-b-qs with friends for my kicks. Let's let the next generation of underage girl explore the magic world of men in high heels, and too much make-up.
On a side note:
We ended up walking around most of downtown for 2 hours to find a cab. When we finally got home, I received my very first foot rub. FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF. I almost died. Dan is SOOOO my new friend. I have also decided that foot rubs are a requirement for dating me.
It was my best friend Michael's 22nd ;) birthday last Saturday. He decided that he wanted to return to the gay bar again, to remember the good ol' days. I agreed to join him of course. I at one point I used to be the fag hag of 2004.
So we brought along Greg, Tessa, and Mike's friend Dan, who is also this cute lil gay man who is into jewelry and video games just like me! So we arrived, with me in my skanky top (those gay boys love the boobies), and I PAID to get into the bar. I guess when you are yesterday's fag-cessorie you are now required to give the door man your money versus a quick kiss on the cheek and pinch of the ass.
The music was the same. Top 40 mixed into the trance beats of the time. Dan and Greg did their best to get all of us drunk, but Tessa came half-cut already. Tessa also decided to pick me up a woman. Lord. I thought I didn't go to straight bars to avoid the whole "pick-up" thing, but come out to your friends and all they want to do is hook you up. So Tessa spent the evening checking out women with me, which was odd. I feel I can pick up my own ladies thank you, but she was having fun, and I didn't want to ruin her buzz.
The one thing that shocked me the most were the Drag Queens. Some of them I had spent many a drunk night with were there and I didn't recognize them until they approached me! Not because they were in drag, but because something had happened to them - age. The years of smoking had translated into pursed lips that betrayed the habit. The sunken eyes and nose revealed the many lines snorted before the many acts on stage. It actually saddened my heart to see those things change a person so much.
So I think to myself, if they have changed so much, have I as well?
Al the young twinks, old chicken hawks, bull dykes and lipstick lesbians were in attendance as well. But it was a whole new crowd. It seemed the gay population had decreased in the last 5 years. Are they breeding us out? Or have they all paired up like Mike and Greg, never to return to the "scene" again? Dan and I were commenting that the two same 60 year old men were still stalking the club, looking for young prey and perhaps they are why we don't see the little cute ones anymore. They are having the eternal circuit party in their basement.
We left the bar, and walked Tessa back to her apartment for safety. As we did we walked the same old walk I had done many a time. But all the landmarks had changed. The Royal liquor store beside the night club on 10th had been knocked down and turned into a high rise condo building. The Lebanese club on 1st where you would make fun of all the trashy girls fighting outside had been closed down. The bar I first had membership - Detour - was gone forever. Replaced with a fancy restaurant. When you used to walk by there at night there would be aging men in leather, young bucks in underwear, and all types of lesbians feeling each other up outside. Now when we walked by there was about 100 black gangster types just sitting outside. That was the most surreal experience of the night. I felt like my history was being erased, slowly but surely, and that it was a true sign that my life had changed.
I used to have 2 fake IDs. I had my first when I was 13, and I snuck into the gay bar and got super smashed on Killer Kolaids. Now it's 10 years later and I realize I have upgraded to pubs and bar-b-qs with friends for my kicks. Let's let the next generation of underage girl explore the magic world of men in high heels, and too much make-up.
On a side note:
We ended up walking around most of downtown for 2 hours to find a cab. When we finally got home, I received my very first foot rub. FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF. I almost died. Dan is SOOOO my new friend. I have also decided that foot rubs are a requirement for dating me.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
The bright side
The Bright Side is:
I am done my enameling class.
I sold 5 pairs of earrings to the girls in class.
I have wicked friends who try so hard to cheer me up.
And damnit, they did a fine job.
Tonight is celtic night at the pub, which is always a good time.
I get to sleep in tomorrow, and read my book.
The weather is great, and I am getting a tan already.
On another note, the girls and I were discussing penis length in class (don't ask me why). I made a the "foot-long" gesture, and my friend Kate said something so profound it may have just changed my life.
"You know there is a difference between making love to someone, and skewering them."
I am done my enameling class.
I sold 5 pairs of earrings to the girls in class.
I have wicked friends who try so hard to cheer me up.
And damnit, they did a fine job.
Tonight is celtic night at the pub, which is always a good time.
I get to sleep in tomorrow, and read my book.
The weather is great, and I am getting a tan already.
On another note, the girls and I were discussing penis length in class (don't ask me why). I made a the "foot-long" gesture, and my friend Kate said something so profound it may have just changed my life.
"You know there is a difference between making love to someone, and skewering them."
Sunday, May 27, 2007
The Post that never was
I first thought that my post for this weekend would be full of laughs. I originally wanted to share with you the hijinx that was last friday night. I wanted to tell you how I unceremoniously got drunk from too many jello shooters and ended up on my face on Vanessa's floor. How I fell down on her chair and gave myself a 2 inch by 5 inch welt-turned-bruise on my hip. Right on the spot I like to rest my hand, totally fucking up my sassy and trademark hand-on-hip stance. I did want to tell you about it all.
But alas.
I have been working my ass off these last 3 weeks (as I am sure some of you have noticed since I haven't talked to any of you in awhile). Working to get together some inventory for the annual Lilac festival here in Calgary. The table cost me (and 3 our girls) $50.00. I saved up for that one. The tent fireproofing they (lilac fest) MADE me get - $60.00. Costs of materials - 150.00. Total sales - $4.00........
If I have ever felt that my work was not good enough before, this makes me feel like I can't GIVE my work away. I marked down everything TWICE. Everyone would come in, pick up some earring say "oh how cute! I love them!" then they would look at the price and walk away! I mean jesus christ, I marked them down so low I was barely making any money. I'd mostly be breaking even only. Yet no one bought anything.
No one has any sense of value these days. It is impossible to make any kind of money as a custom jeweler when you can get the exact same thing in china for a fraction of the cost.
I have to say I am not happy at all. I have less money now then when I started. I am very upset. Lilac fest is huge, and our table was shit. I don't really want to get into the bitsy details but they gave us a table that no one could get to. I am sooo angry.
On top of all that I got the first sunburn of the summer.
I feel like an idiot, and a failure.
But alas.
I have been working my ass off these last 3 weeks (as I am sure some of you have noticed since I haven't talked to any of you in awhile). Working to get together some inventory for the annual Lilac festival here in Calgary. The table cost me (and 3 our girls) $50.00. I saved up for that one. The tent fireproofing they (lilac fest) MADE me get - $60.00. Costs of materials - 150.00. Total sales - $4.00........
If I have ever felt that my work was not good enough before, this makes me feel like I can't GIVE my work away. I marked down everything TWICE. Everyone would come in, pick up some earring say "oh how cute! I love them!" then they would look at the price and walk away! I mean jesus christ, I marked them down so low I was barely making any money. I'd mostly be breaking even only. Yet no one bought anything.
No one has any sense of value these days. It is impossible to make any kind of money as a custom jeweler when you can get the exact same thing in china for a fraction of the cost.
I have to say I am not happy at all. I have less money now then when I started. I am very upset. Lilac fest is huge, and our table was shit. I don't really want to get into the bitsy details but they gave us a table that no one could get to. I am sooo angry.
On top of all that I got the first sunburn of the summer.
I feel like an idiot, and a failure.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
The love of Change
As you grow older you realize that many things change. Things like your body, your personality, your sense of morality, and your relationships. Over the last year, as some of you know, many of these things have changed for me. But one thing in particular has changed the most - relationships.
Well, my relationships with friends anyways.
A few things have effected these changes, those being college, XBL, and grupthink.
College this year threw me into a new class, with new people. Thankfully I have met amazing new people, who I share a lot in common with. They are amazing men and women who have helped me through some weird situations this year. I bonded with a few of the people from my first year classes too, but I have made friends with pretty much everyone in these new classes. If these are the people I am to spend the next few years with, I am blessed for sure.
But you know what they say, when one door closes, a window opens. Well if college was the window, what was the door that closed? It seems so many of my friends, who I thought I would hang out with forever have drifted to the winds. Moving away, loosing touch, or breaking my heart. But I'm not overly upset, it is just part of life.
Meeting people over XBL has had its ups and downs as well. I've met some amazing people, who have been kinder and closer to me then anyone I've known in the flesh. Not having the restraints of judging someone by their appearance has the advantage of being able to really get to know someone. But some people, who I thought I knew, have still disappointed me. But there are also some who have surprised me to no end, and been there for me, to listen, to give me kind words, and even send me little pick me ups when I really need them. I love you guys.
Grupthink has introduced to me some amazing people as well. I love those guys. Even though my love for the site has diminished. I realllllly don't want to lose contact with these people. I don't want to jinx it by saying anything else.
There are also those friends, who you think you know, then just blow you away by saying something so perfect, it changes how you see them. There may be other times, when all you want from them is one kind word, and for the life of them they can't seem to say it. So when those perfect moments do finally come along...
... you realize you love them.
Well, my relationships with friends anyways.
A few things have effected these changes, those being college, XBL, and grupthink.
College this year threw me into a new class, with new people. Thankfully I have met amazing new people, who I share a lot in common with. They are amazing men and women who have helped me through some weird situations this year. I bonded with a few of the people from my first year classes too, but I have made friends with pretty much everyone in these new classes. If these are the people I am to spend the next few years with, I am blessed for sure.
But you know what they say, when one door closes, a window opens. Well if college was the window, what was the door that closed? It seems so many of my friends, who I thought I would hang out with forever have drifted to the winds. Moving away, loosing touch, or breaking my heart. But I'm not overly upset, it is just part of life.
Meeting people over XBL has had its ups and downs as well. I've met some amazing people, who have been kinder and closer to me then anyone I've known in the flesh. Not having the restraints of judging someone by their appearance has the advantage of being able to really get to know someone. But some people, who I thought I knew, have still disappointed me. But there are also some who have surprised me to no end, and been there for me, to listen, to give me kind words, and even send me little pick me ups when I really need them. I love you guys.
Grupthink has introduced to me some amazing people as well. I love those guys. Even though my love for the site has diminished. I realllllly don't want to lose contact with these people. I don't want to jinx it by saying anything else.
There are also those friends, who you think you know, then just blow you away by saying something so perfect, it changes how you see them. There may be other times, when all you want from them is one kind word, and for the life of them they can't seem to say it. So when those perfect moments do finally come along...
... you realize you love them.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Spring Fever
Is it just me, or does everyone seem to have a spring in their step these days?
This last week I've been thinking about the podcast.
(I can hear the applause from here)
I want to get it going again, and I think spring time is the perfect time for a new installment. Some of you may not realize this, but in order to make a sex podcast, one has to be in the mood. It just goes hand in hand. If you aren't, then it sounds even more fake, and people won't get turned on - which is the point really.
I was talking to a friend of mine today, who seems to be exhibiting all the tell tale signs of spring fever. Frisky, frisky, frisky. And they are not the only one. All the girls in the studio today were play flirting with each other, something I enjoyed witnessing to no end. I pushed them on of course, I love being a sexual catalyst.
I decided that I have been in a sexual rut for far too long, and I started to feel the tingling of the fever myself. Is it just me, or have all the men shaved their beards, and all the woman their legs? Could everyone be primping themselves for a possible "encounter"? I was checking EVERYONE out... how could I not?
I got home and my friends Ryan and Alex were with Dave, in the process of making dinner. I decided to shower the remnants of the work day off, and in the process of picking out my outfit, freshly showers and naked as the day was nude, Alex just happened to walk in. I did leave the door open after all. Maybe it was the spring fever that made me leave it open. I know its the fever that makes me not care that he saw anything.
ahhhhh ..... spring.
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