Deadlier Sins

Today I was thinking about sin. As in the seven deadly ones. I've decided that we will always have parts of each sin within us, but certain sins take over us more depending on what is going on around us. I feel so full of "sin" these days it scares me.

Gluttony

All last week I have been craving cupcakes. Bright, colorful, and deadly cupcakes. I spent a few hours on Saturday and made.... 50. No I did not eat them all if you were wondering. I've been giving them away left right and center, but I have been eating some. Why did I want to make them? Who the hell knows. All I know is that when I looked at them, you couldn't help but smile. I even took pictures. I have just lost a bunch of weight, the last thing I need is to gain it all back plus more.

That of course brings me to ...

Pride

I have been feeling pride creeping in the cracks of my fragile mind. Pride can be a good thing, can it not? I had this amazing critique last week, and that filled me with a swelling of pride like I had never felt ever before. Being validated in the one thing that I feel good doing with my life was amazing. But I have to keep honest, and humble too.

Lust

Surprisingly, the sin that I normally suffer from on a regular basis has left me for greener pastures. I am not feelin it at all. Being at school for 14 hours a day takes its toll, and my hands are used to working with tools and metal... not.. other things. I have no time, how very sad. You know when you have a crush, and it seems to move you? Throughout the day you keep smiling to yourself, and have your little day dreams about them. You fantasize that they corner you as you finish your shower with your towel around you, and back you back into the room with that coy little smile? Yeah okay, I'm not completely devoid of feeling below the waist... but I don't have that little smile, and I don't fantasize nearly as much as I used to. I enjoy having a crush, as gut wrenching as it can be. But he seems to be devoid of feeling above the waist - so I'm not feelin that as much either these days.

Greed

This is the scariest sin for me these days. I worry about my soul. I feel so greedy and full of ugly thoughts that I would never tell to anyone but a paid professional that is paid not to judge me. Having no money has made me the greediest son of a bitch I have ever had the pleasure to share a brain with. I hate money, but I want it. A lot of it. I feel like I am doing anything I can to save it, make it, and I hate myself for it. Who am I becoming?

Envy

I am envious of a lot of people, for a lot of reasons. People with relationships. People with money. People who don't care about money. Well let's just say it's a long list.

Anger

I am angry as hell at myself. I feel I have a lot less "happy thoughts" and a lot more "angry and frustrated thoughts". Maybe I should change the name.

Sloth

Since school ended I have slept in at least 10 hours a night. I have taken up xbox again, and I have spent entire days on the computer. I'm trying to start a bunch of projects right off the bat to keep me motivated so I don't fall into the lazy trap. I HAVE to start a job search ASAP. Why I am so goddamn lazy?


Before I felt like my personality was my only true saving grace. But I feel like I am becoming very dark inside, and it scares the shit out of me. I don't want to be DarkThawts, or EvilThawts. I don't want to be AngryThawts, or VindictiveThawts. I do want to be HappyThawts. How does one save yourself from the dark side, when the shadow looms over you, threatening to block out any trace of who you were before?

Cupcake anyone?
http://www.flickr.com/photos/happythawts/479460718/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/happythawts/479460724/

The Test of Faith and the Pursuit of Passion

Would jaded be the correct term? Perhaps mellow. Relieved definitely, but there is something else as well. These last couple of weeks have been a true test of my metal. I have spent 14 hour days with half hour lunches working my fingers to the bone. I have not slept nights, been in the bottomless pit of desperation and doubted my very core. But in the end, all things come to a point, a climax, an apex where all your work and toiling show you if it was all worth it. Or if will come crashing down on you.

As I sat in the lecture hall, my work displayed under the spot lights, highlighted by the black velvet behind the glint of the metal, I couldn't help but think - this is what I am supposed to do. I was happy with everything I had done. Sure I had some issues with some of the projects, but who doesn't? I am learning after all.

Some of the others had said their juried critiques earlier in the day had been "interesting". Apparently some of the teachers were not morning people. I scheduled by crit right after lunch thinking that they would be awake, full of food, and energy. Hopefully, they would be in a good mood. They were.

They had nothing but good things to say about all my pieces.
-strong, interesting designs
-incredible detail
-attention to finishing
-focus on creating high quality pieces
-submitting to exhibitions and competitions is a must

They had nice things to say about me as well.
-I listen, and I try and take any advice to heart
-I do the research
-I challenge myself, and succeed 90% of the time
-I have unquestionable passion, and drive
-I have the uncanny ability to gather people around me and lead them

What I need to do this summer
-Read books and take seminars on leadership - the department wants me to run some projects next year, and I need to be prepared.
-Practice drawing from life - my design renderings need to be improved.
-Work with slide film instead of digital for photographing my work - slides are better resolution.
-Join metal artists, goldsmiths and other community forums - since I am going to be a leader, people need to know who I am in the community.


Basically, the best critique of my life.


So now, after all the late nights, the lack of sleep, the cuts, burns, bruises, loss of hair, cracked bleeding skin, dislocated limbs, stress and heart-ache - it was WORTH it. Not because of what those 3 teachers had to say. It was worth it when I had set up and I saw everything in that new light - the shiny new parts of my soul on display. They were there because I love what I do, and I can't see myself being happy doing anything else right now.

and thats it.


wanna see the stuff?
Me at deviant art!

Call to (get) action!

So after a cry to update my life (blog)... I shall do the best I can with the remaining energy I have.

I had a photo shoot not long ago. I finally got to repay Holly for all her hard work, standing naked in front of my camera doing unspeakably uncomfortable things while I yelled at her. I am a hard ass photographer, I don't think I've ever mentioned that.

Holly is a fashion designer, and she needed shot of her and her models in her designs. We brought back Trevor from my seven deadly sins shoot last semester to do the make-up. Holly's original photographer quit on her last minute, so I was happy to step in for him. It was fucking cold! Like frost-bite cold. And Holly requested an out-door shoot, for an industrial look. So I picked the lions gate bridge. I'll have to get those shots up soon. We shot INSIDE the bridge. The girls were freezing their asses off, and there wasn't a lot covering them. Holly is the littlest, and as soon as she took off her jacket she was shivering uncontrollably and I was actually afraid she might get hypothermia or something.

I yelled myself hoarse at those girls, but we got it all done, and in not very much time. Afterwards I kinda felt bad for basically commandeering the shoot, but after I got a few comments from the others involved saying I was good at directing, and I moved things along nicely, so I felt a little better.

This week is also birthday week. Wednesday I had a wicked day shopping with my mom. She was on a mission trying to find me a birthday dress. We went to like 15 stores trying to find something that worked(I always have issues finding clothes that fit my fucked up in-between-sizes body). Anyways we finally hit winners of all places and I found 3! All super hot, all below 40 bucks, and I got matching shoes. Fuckin sweet deal.

So Thursday was my birthday. We went to the pub, I got a little drunk. I wore my new black dress and I ended up dancing in front of the whole bar. Bad news. My camera is still compleatly full from Holly's shoot, so no pics. Sorry guys, I wanted to... but no deal.

Today was art history in the morning, then shooting all my metal work from this semester thus far. Tess and I booked the studio for 3 hours, we were done in 2 hrs and 45 min. We got some amazing shots, and I'll be posting them on deviant art soon for you guys to see. There are a few I will be submitting to exhibitions because I've been told by a few people that I should. Yeah they rock.

Here's the good news.

For those of you complaining about the lack o pics.... tomorrow is another birthday party. But this one involves "bedroom accessories". Yes I am hosting a sex toy party! I'm hoping to have the camera out for that one! We'll see how the girls like that one. If they are uncomfortable, I wont do it. But I think they will be.

So the only reason I am posting right now is because Lydia told me to! I am so damn tired, but what the lady wants, the lady gets. It's only because I'm in love with her.
But do you see people? I gota see that you are reading, other wise I'll get bored and eventually stop. I do seeeee youuuu... or like, hear you.

Dude I'm tired. I'm hitting the hay.....

remind me to buy batteries tomorrow...